I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
