I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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