My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
