Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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