I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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