whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
