I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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