I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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