I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize