I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
