Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Two words: blizzard sex
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
