I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
