I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
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