Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
