Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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