why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
