I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
