I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
