This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
