I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
