I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Randomize
