dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
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Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
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The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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