I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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