I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
