Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
