our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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