thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Randomize
