Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Swine flu is the new snow day.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
