Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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