How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
