Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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