did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
