He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
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I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
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