More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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