My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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