The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
