...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
