Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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