If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
