When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
