I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
