Your face is a jimmy john
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
