I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
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