I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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