I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Randomize
