you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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