you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
