my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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