my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Oh god it's open bar.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
