Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
