giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
