it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
