There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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