She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
