this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
