Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
