i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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