ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
