Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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