That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
